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The Death Of Stuart Little
Part 2 Riot at Stuart Little Memorial Service
We were all shocked when disclosures were made that the CIA promoted the sale and distribution of crack cocaine in minority neighborhoods. How low can a government sink?
Today?s announcement of the untimely death of Stuart Little tells us just how low. Unknown to many, film star and celebrity mouse Stuart Little worked his way through the Actors Studio by moonlighting at UCLA as a laboratory mouse. In later years Stuart?s agency, William Morris, hid the tawdry details of Stuart?s early efforts to survive in Hollywood. They also hid the fact that Stuart had participated in government research on marijuana which resulted in a life long addiction.
Seeking answers about the new super pot sweeping the nation, government scientists were determined to quickly ascertain just how dangerous the potent marijuana was. Research on human subjects was initially tried but the subjects were uncooperative spending their afternoons in the laboratory watching cable television and using the lab microwaves to heat various snacks. With results lacking to prove harmful effects on humans, researchers sought out cooperative mice. Stuart was an early volunteer.
The mice were not told just how strong the marijuana was. Miniature smoking apparatus were prepared along with samples of Purina Bud Chow which was supplemented to the mice diet. High doses of Oregon ?Blue? bud were provided Stuart and the other mice who were maintained on a steady diet of 100-200 grams per day estimated to contain a minimum THC daily dose of 25,000 mg.
Of course Stuart got hooked. Fortunately for Stuart he was not one of the mice chosen for autopsy but his 12 week experience with daily marijuana use changed his life forever. He seemed to blossom at first starring in a number of movies loved by children and adults as well. His performances convinced Rex Reed, noted critic that Stuart was the mouse equivalent of Chaplin and Keaton combined.
What Reed and the rest of us didn?t know was that the government had addicted Stuart to high grade pot. Without a daily dose Stuart?s tail wouldn?t curl and his pads hurt. At first, friends at the studio insured that Stuart would have his daily supply which didn?t appear to alter his performances. As his addiction worsened, however, his friends couldn?t find enough high grade to keep Stuart going. There were repeated incidents of retakes made necessary from Stuart?s frequent coughing bouts from Mexican brick weed. Stuart?s personality began changing and his behavior became increasingly erratic.
Stuart Little claimed privately that his use of marijuana was strictly medical. Unknown to most, Stuart grew up in a rough neighborhood in Altoona, Pennsylvania where feral cats terrorized the mouse population. ?It was a veritable mouse pogrom?, said Little. Suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Stuart found that marijuana initially had calming effects. These effects soon turned to odd hallucinations closely resembling schizophrenia. One incident, covered up by sympathetic reporters, reportedly involved Stuart?s arrest in a North Hollywood bar where he was dressed as Minnie and was accompanied by former puppet actor ?Pookie? of Soupy Sales fame.
Stuart?s demise came last Saturday during a flight from Burbank to Fresno, California where he was scheduled to open a new Toys R Us store at the Gary Condit Plaza Mall. Stuart and friends were having a wild party with government marijuana smuggled to the actor from NIDA labs in Mississippi. While cruising over Bakersfield at 25,000 feet Stuart became convinced he could glide into Fresno on his own power. Ripping the tablecloth from the private jets dinner table, Stuart made an unauthorized exit from the jet. He is seen here in his last photograph plummeting to earth where he landed horribly in a Kings County cattle feed lot. Stuart will be missed. It goes to show that mice and marijuana don?t mix.
Riot at Stuart Little Memorial Service
By: Bob Arbogast
Fans expecting that beloved Stuart Little would receive a gracious send off
Thirty minutes into the service agents from the Drug Enforcement Administration arrived in a number of late model black Suburban vehicles. The team was personally led by DEA Chief Asa Hutchinson who served a search warrant signed by recent Bush appointee, Judge Lance Ito. Agents ordered the crowd quiet and temporarily handcuffed Stuart?s pall bearers singling out the aged Pookie of Soupy Sales fame for special attention as Stuart?s alleged marijuana connection. Pookie was wrestled to the ground and a body search conducted in view of horrified mourners. Agents then proceeded to unseal Stuart?s coffin and search for a reported stash of medical marijuana that friends had allegedly placed to guide Stuart on his journey in the after-life. Agents found no marijuana whatsoever in the coffin but confiscated Stuart?s Jack Herrer pipe and a plentiful supply of copper pipe screens and collector editions of High Times. Agents then began to search the crowd for contraband.
Outraged mourners attacked the DEA raiding party pelting them at first with flowers and jeers. The mood turned ugly and a full scale brawl ensured. Federal agents called a tactical alert. Several agents succumbed to repeated blows from Stuart?s faithful fans. Four hundred and twenty mourners were injured in the melee along with at least a dozen Federal agents, two of whom were treated for acute marijuana intoxication following their search of the Kotton Mouth Kings frontman,
Daddy X. Federal agents released VX gas on the unruly crowd and fired a number of rounds from their automatic weapons killing Pookie outright and severely wounding Los Angeles Police Chief Bratton, a known supporter of medical marijuana. Several dozen mourners were arrested on charges ranging from possession to being chronically ill without a plan. Forty five seriously injured mourners were transported to Glendale Adventist Hospital where they were treated, fed mushroom tacos, and remain in serious but stable condition except for an understandable stomach upset.
White Fang, representative for Pookie, stated that a wrongful death suit was being prepared for the carnage visited upon his old friend. Critically ill Chief Bratton remained in a coma at nearby Little Mary of Atwater Memorial Hospital. Local medical cannabis activists established a protective cordon around Bratton?s room fearing DEA retaliation. Bratton is expected to survive the assault.
As we see below, Stuart began his journey to the great beyond in great trepidation and in anxiety over the terror visited upon his faithful minions. Is Stuart sailing to Valhalla or just running from a cruel government?
All humans, mice, puppets, and DEA Agents living, dead, or in coma, are strictly fictitious and any resemblance to real people is entirely coincidental?.