Osama Yo Mama Bong Laden…
   And the coming of the Great Green Peril

 

By
Jay R. Cavanaugh, PhD 

          

The nation waits pensively for the next al Qaida attack. Our special anti-terror agents sweep the globe killing and capturing an enemy bent on the destruction of America and the West. Will a "dirty" bomb suddenly go off in the Mall of America? Will anthrax turn up in your Wheaties?

Or have we missed the obvious? Even while we gloat over the capture of the 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the big boss, Osama Bong Laden, continues to elude us. His plan is simple and unbelievably evil. Osama is going to smoke America under the table. An excerpt from a recent secret interview with a senior National Security advisor revealed the following illuminating quote:

"Why do you think Bong Laden was in Afghanistan in the first place? Only Afghanistan has an ancient tradition of raising marijuana and processing hashish. Knowing that the Americans were coming, Osama filled thousand of caves with indoor marijuana hydroponics to provide a year round supply of dope intended to subvert the will and courage of America. He's set up commercial marijuana grows throughout Indonesia, the Philippines, the Horn of Africa, Paris, Amsterdam (where he owns dozens of coffee shops), and Missoula, Montana." Our secret source provided us with this predator drone photo of just one of Osama's "power plots" located outside Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

         
               Tuscaloosa Thunder Crop

Lest the reader think that marijuana is that harmless stuff most of us smoked in college back in the sixties, the Osama strain is thousands of times more powerful. "Jihad Joints" have already appeared on the streets of small town America. The DEA recently assayed a Jihad Joint at 275% THC. It is said that one toke puts you in the refrigerator, two tokes turns you assassin, and regular use lands you in the morgue. One law enforcement officer from Lemon Grove, California stated that, "It's not only the doughnuts at Krispy Cream that are glazed. Just look at the vacant stares of the new pot heads". "They smoke that Afghan crap, eat donuts, and attack our squad cars smearing them with sticky fingerprints". "It's maddening".

The government has struck back at Yo Mama Osama with a campaign of disinformation including breaking into the homes of terrorist supporters and demoralizing them with the clandestine replacement of their toilet paper. The terrorists, though, are turning these toilet paper rolls into "carburetor" type pipes thus defeating government attempts to demoralize them.

                 
                   USA tries to Wipe out enemies

Nothing seems to be able to stop the new tidal wave of Green Peril. An avalanche of primo "de kine Osama" is sweeping the nation. Our once great nation is being studiously stupefied turning the great red, white, and blue into something like this:

               
                      America's Future?

Fortunately, we have the inspired leadership of George W. and the Attorney General, John Ashcroft. In "Operation Pipe Dream" over 55 terrorist were indicted for dealing with specialized smoking implements. Millions of dollars of artistic glass bongs were confiscated. DEA agent Richard Meyer was quoted as saying "Don't let that made in Eugene, Oregon or Arcata, California fool you. We know that these super pipes for super pot have come into the country from the Bekka Valley of Lebanon in cargo containers designed to look like they stored Depends undergarments. These nefariously designed pipes supercharge the smoke delivering devastating blasts of super pot that has resulted in hundreds of thousands of emergency room mentions. The most common symptom of the poor wretches caught in Yo Mama's web is the desire to become suicidally bombed.

                
                           Bong for Two

This author can't help but notice how the extremists are catering to the Western preoccupation with sex that the radicals so eschew. Just look at the sensual nature of this bong with its two tempting nipples. American minds are being weakened! Is America marching to oblivion while wading through the Great Green Wave engulfing us? This author’s own Alma Mater, Tulane University, has become so depraved (even for New Orleans) as to actually embrace this wave as their new team logo.

                 
                 The Green Wave terrorizes the Army

Secretary of Defense, Donald "Duck" Rumsfeld and Drug Czar John "Stop What You're Doing" Walters have joined Attorney General Ashcroft in decrying al-Qaida's attempts to both poison and paralyze American youth. Repeated reports have surfaced, said Rumsfeld, of soldiers who have left the service AWOL and have been found drimmeling in front of television sets stuck on the Sci-Fi Channel. Adult onset diabetes has soared as a result of American's eating record amounts of sugary snacks while high on Jihad Joints (shown below).

                
                   Jihad Joint- Killing Americans

Americans everywhere are asking whether we can resist the Green Peril and turn back the Green Wave. Is it already too late? Have too many succumbed to make resistance impossible?

Now you know why medical marijuana and artful glass pipes are targeted by our patriotic law officers. There's nothing medical about Jihad and nothing artful about machines of death.

 

Remember America, "Ban the Bong".