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Excerpts from President George Bush's remarks to the 
American Association of Bourbon Distillers (AABD) 


     On the occasion of raising funds for the new national D.A.R.E. program- Frankfort, Kentucky

December 1, 2002

 Here's a "what if" story that maybe is too close to the truth for a parody. 

I want to thank you all for inviting me to come to the beautiful blue
mountains of Kentucky to speak on a subject close to my heart and
family. That subject is drug abuse, an insidious evil sapping the will
of the nation and making us weak in the face of our enemies.

Generation Y is using X and H and the Lord knows what other letters.
The worst of these letters is marijuana. It is now a known scientific fact
that the use of marijuana causes depression, schizophrenia, learning
disabilities, impotence, and many other health problems too numerous to

Some nations, who seem to have lost the will to survive as free
peoples, are flirting with reducing penalties for marijuana or even using it as
some form of medicine.  Our culture, our values, our churches, and our
schools are under attack from those who seem to have lost direction in

Against the terrible menace of marijuana we have one ally and friend
that is beyond belief. That friend is D.A.R.E. These fine people are in
the front lines of homeland security as they teach our children to say
no. No to drugs, no to cigarettes, no to terrorism, no to tattoos, no
to sex, and just plain no. They are also teaching our children to say yes.
Yes to the flag, yes to God, yes to country, and yes to the Republican
Party. It's good to learn to say yes and no.

Recently, D.A.R.E. sponsored an essay contest for elementary school
children. The children were asked about why they would say no to
marijuana. Well, after being properly instructed, the kids just dove
into this assignment and I've brought you the national winner from
Greeley, Colorado (Emily stands for ovation while her essay is passed

Little Emily Beasley isn't confused or weak about marijuana. She loves
her country and knows that no child who loves their country can do
anything but hate marijuana and those terrorists who try to sell it to
kids like her. One day Emily will be in the uniform of our military
helping to fight the enemies of our country. If she gets sick she'll
take drugs just like the rest of us. But she won't get sick because her
will is strong and her values are right.

Emily believes what she does because of the ceaseless efforts of
D.A.R.E. to properly train her mind. She hasn't drifted away to peer
pressure to use marijuana, eat vegetarian foods, and march in peace
rallies. Emily won't go to college wondering about her identity and
purpose. In fact she won't wonder at all.

Let's all do what we can and must to provide D.A.R.E. with the
financial and spiritual support they so deserve. We can start this very evening
with our auction. I'm going to turn the podium over now to Mr. Evan
Williams who will start the auction with his own hand crafted single
barrel bourbon aged 30 years and weighing in at an honest 134 proof.
Following the auction there will be a candle tour of the Markers Mark
distillery in nearby Loretto with free samples of their famous
handcrafted whiskey, Thank you and God bless America.

I'll take the Red White and Blue over Mary Jane Green Any day!


By Emily Beasley
Age 10
Thatcher Elementary School
Greeley, Colorado

When my teacher, Miss Troutwine and our wonderful D.A.R.E. Officer,
Sgt. Buttons, asked the class to write about why we should just say no to
marijuana, I couldn't wait to take pen to paper.

My theme is the Red White and Blue beats green hands down! I mean,
look, green is a pukey color and very gay. Now, Red is the color of our new
Ford Expedition and Blue is the color of our beautiful Colorado skies,
and White, well, hey, I'm white! Would you like me if I was green? I
don't think so.

In class we learned all the latest science stuff about how marijuana
makes you stupid. Jimmy Carlson's older brother Harold uses marijuana
and he is really stupid. He just got married and according to Sgt.
Buttons, Harold won't be able to have children because he's been
smoking that stuff. Either that or the kids will be really dumb or funny
looking. Jimmy says that Harold needs the marijuana because his
leukemia pills make him so sick but Sgt. Buttons says that Harold is probably
some kind of dealer.

I'm going to get married when I grow up and have beautiful smart
children. I'm going to have a uniform just like Sgt. Buttons and help
save kids from those crazy terrorists in Columbia that sell pot. Maybe
Mom and Dad will let me join the Army when I'm older so I can really

Now, some kids might think that Mary Jane is fun but I don't. When I
grow up I'll have lots of fun but it will be healthy fun like eating a
big cheese burger, or drinking a Budweiser like Dad, or going to the
mall. Like Miss Troutwine says, "It's better to go fly a kite than be
high as one". And if I get sick (like Harold says he) is I'll just take
the pills my doctor gives me like all the pills Mom takes. She forgets
sometimes how many pills she's supposed to take. Why don't they make
them in more different colors? We had to go to the hospital with Mom
last week because everyone forgot how many pills she was supposed to
take. Maybe mommy took too many but she's fine even if she looked
pretty funny with all of those tubes sticking in her. 

Sgt. Buttons says that smoking marijuana disrespects our flag. He says
it makes our flag dirty. I don't want a dirty flag, do you? We have
lots of flags. We have one on the car antennae just above the Jack in the
Box guy and we have one great big one that we fly outside all the time and
even little ones that you can wear on your clothes. Having clean flags
tells everyone that you're good and then they'll like you.

Finally, I don't want to grow up to be a schizophrenic (you know two
personalities) because of smoking marijuana. Sgt. Buttons says that
people go crazy when they do marijuana and get in all kinds of trouble
like accidentally shooting their friends with Dad's gun, blowing up the
school, or stuff like that. I'm going to grow up with lots of Red,
White, and Blue and no green at all except for a really big lawn in my
new house and maybe our Christmas tree.